Did I Really Have a Spiritual Awakening?

Why I'm Trying to Be Okay Not Knowing for Sure

I wanna admit something. I don't just question when my spiritual awakening happened. Sometimes I question whether it happened at all.

Even though I own a metaphysical shop, write about spirituality, and enjoy exploring all the weird, beautiful, unexplainable parts of life, Imposter Syndrome is real, my friends.

Someone near and dear to my heart went through what we can only describe as a Dark Night of the Soul. Living through that season alongside them changed me in ways I'm still trying to understand.

Their world completely unraveled. Everything they thought they knew about themselves, their life, and the people around them seemed to collapse all at once. Living alongside it was one of the most traumatic seasons of my own life, and there was nothing subtle about any of it.

For a long time, I assumed that's when my own spiritual awakening began. I mean, it seemed like the obvious answer. Something significant happened, and I was deeply affected by it. 

But over time, my question quietly changed. It stopped being, "Was that the beginning?" and became "What if I didn’t have a spiritual awakening at all?"

That question is still the one that haunts me. Why? Probably because it comes from comparison. Compared to theirs, my own journey felt almost...ordinary. Boring, even.

Their experience was unmistakable. Dramatic. Life-altering. Mine wasn't.

When your idea of a spiritual awakening is shaped by stories of people's worlds completely unraveling before being rebuilt, it's easy to look at your own quieter journey and wonder if you're just...assigning a spiritual label to ordinary personal growth. 

For me, there wasn't one defining moment where everything changed overnight. No dramatic collapse. No lightning bolt of clarity. No obvious signs of any spiritual awakening. What if I'm just convincing myself something is true because I want it to be true? Then again...if I were really trying to convince myself, why have I spent so much time trying to talk myself out of it? 

So every now and then, a little voice creeps in. Maybe nothing actually happened.

I don't want to believe something simply because it's comforting. I don't want to mistake wishful thinking for truth. But if I’m being transparent, I've probably leaned too far in the opposite direction. I question myself, my experiences, and whether I’m interpreting things correctly.

Sometimes I wonder if that's healthy discernment. Maybe it's fear dressed up as discernment.

At some point on my path, *cue lightbulb moment*. 

I wasn't questioning my own experience nearly as much as I was comparing it to someone else's. 

Comparison has an annoying way of making us doubt things that were perfectly real before we started measuring them against someone else's story. We hear incredible stories of people leaving careers overnight, ending long relationships, experiencing profound visions, or feeling like their entire identity was shattered before being rebuilt. Those stories are real, and for some people, that truly is what a spiritual awakening looks like.

Then somewhere along the way, I think we've unintentionally started treating those experiences like they're the standard and comparing spiritual experiences the same way we compare everything else. As if an awakening has to be “Instagram-worthy” to count. 

Now I’m starting to believe maybe that's not true. Because here's the part that makes this whole thing confusing...

I can't honestly say that nothing has changed.

• I've connected with Spirit in ways I never had before.
• Some of my beliefs have shifted. Not all at once, and not always dramatically, but they've shifted.
• I find myself trying to live more authentically than I used to.
• I'm paying attention to my intuition instead of immediately explaining it away.
• I'm asking bigger questions.
• I'm more intentional about how I move through the world.
  

None of these things prove I've had a spiritual awakening…

…They do, however, make it hard for me to believe nothing has changed. Perhaps I don't doubt my experiences nearly as much as I doubt my interpretation of them.

That realization hit me harder than I expected…because, maybe, that's been the real struggle all along. Not whether I've changed or grown, but whether I'm allowed to trust my own understanding of what's happening inside me.

To put my brain on an even faster Tilt-a-Whirl, I've found that even people whose spiritual awakenings seem dramatic and unmistakable can question them afterward, too. (I know, right?!)

Ok, so maybe doubt isn't evidence that nothing happened. Maybe it's just part of being human. It could also just be part of trying to be honest with ourselves. The older I get, the less interested I am in collecting certainty. Life has a funny way of humbling anyone who thinks they've got everything figured out. 

Instead, I've become more interested in asking better questions. Questions that don't necessarily have neat answers and leave room for curiosity instead of certainty. Questions that remind me that I don't have to force an experience into a category just because I want it to fit somewhere.

Maybe I'll eventually look back and confidently say, "Yes, that was my awakening." Or…

…maybe I won't.

What I do know is that I'm not the same person I was several years ago. 

• I connect differently.
• I think differently.
• I question differently.
• I live differently.

Whatever label I eventually give that (or don’t give it)...the change itself is real. Maybe that should be enough.

Maybe the goal isn't arriving at absolute certainty…it's learning to stay honest enough to keep asking the questions.

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A Gentle Reminder

This is simply my own experience and reflection, not a universal truth. Every spiritual journey is deeply personal. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and trust your own discernment above anyone else's- including mine.